Thank you for awaiting my time out of the abyss! It is good to be blogging again. Over the last couple of months, I have begun a process of healing and restoration. I have received affirmation that my writing is impactful for His glorification and not birthed out of selfish motives. I have discovered that JOY is NOT something to be FOUND by changing, rather, it is a by-product of worshipping Jesus. That being said, have you ever looked up during your life and realized you have defined yourself by events that have left you joyless?
According to II Corinthians 3:18- "And we all, with an unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit." You know you are reborn; however, you have chosen to chase idols of man which held the veil in place so as not to reveal your identity in Christ. I say this from personal experience, not a theological premise.
Since my dad died four years ago, I have been on a very destructive path in my life. Attempting change who I really am, I got lost in the idols that have held me captive for years. Idols are not necessarily a visible objects that we worship instead of God. They are not always wrapped up in the mighty dollar, the career, your looks, the Proverbs 31 wife, etc. The objects of our worship are sometimes our own inadequacies that feed the enemy in such a way that he as authority over our hearts, our minds and our destiny.
I looked up at 45 years of age and realized that I am fat, ugly, an inadequate wife and mother. A manager of home, work and self driven by a red button that goes off when order is shaken. If a situation opposed my belief, I FAILED. Soon I became a daughter drenched in the guilt of not being able to "fix" my mom's situation, my marriage, the heart break and health issues running rampant in my immediate family. I did not "like" others because I hated myself so much. Isolation was my friend and hate of self a potential deadly end. More than that, I was solely responsible for my dad's unforgiveness so I must not be worthy of God's forgiveness.
The enemy takes your thoughts to so many places...keep up the destructive eating patterns, the emotional outbursts, the legalistic performance expectations, the constant failure at doing your job, running away from friendships, sabotaging relationships and finally the VOICE of the enemy... hold tight to your own sense of control with all your might because a single moment of relinquishing control means you will spiral to your own emotional meltdown with no recovery in sight.
Even though we were steadily attending an amazing church, the temporary moments of being full of His love faded to the nothingness of self. Realizing the depths of my despair and my unwillingness to move, God began to orchestrate a reunion of redemption and the trade of idol worship for surrender. A single email, revealing a broken self, began a series of connections to the right women and bible studies to get me to this point. Believe me, the journey is just beginning. For once, I do see this as a journey to be experienced and not a destination to death.
So how does one even recognize that idols exist? I give credit to three women that God has used in His relentless pursuit of returning me to His feet as I share with you the steps to start your own progress...
ASK: "how is what you are currently doing working for you?" If you find anything but freedom and joy in your answer, you are wrapped up in identity idol lies. The only way to refute a lie is through truth. The truth is found in the Word and in Christ, as they are one in the same. John 1: 14 - 18 summarized... The Word, Jesus, became flesh and dwelt among us. The law (legalism and performance) came through man, Grace and Truth came through Jesus. So, Jesus and the Word are one and both are Truth.
SURRENDER: Acknowledge that you have NO CONTROL. Give it to Jesus daily. Ask Him, through the Holy Spirit, to reveal the sources of your idol identity lies so that you can revisit them in truth. REFUTE the enemy so he is no longer in your head whispering or even screaming the lies at you.
BIBLE TRUTHS: Find 4-5 permanent, solid scriptures that sum up listening, trusting and dependence on God for EVERYTHING. Repeat them every morning and throughout the day. Mine are found in Psalm Chapters: 33, 40 and 143.
SUPPORT: Use others to work with you in evaluating your own circumstance, particularly those who know "what that should look like." Don't be afraid to open up. God wants us to be secure in Him through community so that we can recognize and assist others who have lost their identity in Him to return to the "fullness of Him!" It took me 46 years to OPEN UP! Don't wait. Time is fleeting.
How has this played out for me? The first memory of my identity in Christ being stolen occurred two years after I was saved. At 6, I was "sugar and spice and everything joyfully nice." I was a cute little blond who was a participant in The Little Miss Longview Pageant. By the age of 8, however, my mom had 6 miscarriages and ultimately a hysterectomy. I was reminded regularly that the family needed a brother or sister to be "whole." Her guilty expression of not being able to provide that planted the lie in my head...Just one of me is not good enough for her. Compounding that, my 2nd grade teacher, Billie Jordan, let my mom know in front of me, "I was a spoiled brat only child who would never amount to anything in life," simply because I used a bought 'heart shaped' valentines box to decorate for the contest rather than a shoe box that we did not have at home. My parents moved to Tyler shortly there after which was a catalyst to the fire that was already ignited.
Here are the LIES, compounded by tragic events and a dysfunctional childhood that dictated EVERY fiber of my life from age 8 to 45:
I am not good enough, I feel inferior, I am rejected, I am unlovable, I am unwanted, I am alone, I have no confidence- so I must not be able to reach God.
Eating disorders, a life alone in my room, countless absences from school, jumping through performance hoops academically just to be good at something ruled my legalistic actions, intimacy deficiencies, personality disorders, anxiety...and the list goes on and on. My dad told me I could never trust anyone but myself. I was not churched as a young child, as my salvation was a revival experience with a neighbor. I never EMBRACED God. I searched for Him desperately during my high school and early college years but I had no idea that SURRENDER was the key. I sang in the choir, led people to the God I never knew and did all of the "good things" that people see on the surface while sabatoging my entire life ahead.
God WAS there, though, every step of the way. He put adults or opportunities in my path along the way to "get me through life." His GRACE kept me from pulling the trigger on a gun to my head when I was a junior in high school. A teacher walked me through a two year survival guide until I could make my escape. Amazingly, I graduated at the top of my class...just because I spent countless hours in my room to NOT be in the presence of anyone. I left home, went to college, married, had kids and BURIED it all. I was able to do that for nearly 5 years. Burying everything spews up evil all around you. It is the seed that binds generational sin together. It takes on a new life when you expand your family and then it sneaks up on you when you are half way through your life and screams at you: YOU ARE NOTHING!
Here are the TRUTHS, protected by the WORD, redeemed at the CROSS and currently a work in progress for me:
I am perfect in Christ, God designed me for His purpose, because God loves me- I am His, I am wanted and adopted by Christ, God has not and will never leave me...even if I stray from Him, I have access to God every moment of every day.
I have forgiven Billie Jordan and released her to God. I have so many more things to address in this process. Since my day of SURRENDER not long ago, I am on an eating plan and I do not CRAVE food as comfort. I seek Him amidst my conflict and I have the authority to get Satan out of my head at every turn. THE ONLY focus necessary to redeem your past and to live in the fullness of what Christ wants you to be in the present is to praise and worship Him in every measure. Even when your heart is full of holes with circumstance adding a new one each day.... Simply say, THANK YOU LORD for the strife because He carried EVERY pain to the cross and felt every ounce of it for EVERYONE there at His death. If pain means I am closer to Him to get through it, then He is molding me into someone new, one filled hole at a time. He sent a Comforter to be ours and ours alone to interact with Him daily. Just look to others and see Him in them. Please know I fall daily and this is not a magical "Liz is now amazingly joyful and life is great," moment...I just know the reality of "how this is working for me." TODAY is so much better than yesterday and that is all I can ask. One day at a time... Idol Identity Lies traded in for Who I AM in CHRIST... just a perspective from a woman who lives upside down in HIS grace every single day.
